A message to our friends in the trenches—caseworkers, social workers, teachers, therapists, and anyone who engages daily with neighbors in need or families in crisis.
I was recently reminded of a hard truth: not everybody who needs help wants the help.
Very true.
I receive texts and calls for help all the time. I don’t have a magic wand to instantly give everyone what they are asking for. Often, I can quickly point them to a resource that will be helpful. Sometimes, I choose to get more personally involved, offering my time, advice, and ongoing support.
I have seen firsthand that achieving systemic change for a family requires consistent engagement—often for a year or more—through every step of their journey: from crisis, poverty, or homelessness to self-sufficiency.
A Case in Point
Recently, I was asked for help by someone I’ve been supporting for years. This is someone who had worked hard to move from abuse and homelessness to stability: receiving a HUD home, applying for jobs, interviewing, and holding positions. Then, tragically, he lost it all and relapsed into addiction.
With the help of other agency partners, we provided food, clothing, furniture, job search assistance, mentorship, transportation to community events, volunteer opportunities—his safety net. Yet, despite all this support, he still needed more mental health care than we could provide. Unfortunately, therapy options in our area are scarce.
Following his struggles in Bryan—losing his job after a conflict with a supervisor and nearing financial exhaustion—he wanted to return to another state, closer to family and a friend. He believed they could help, and we arranged a bus ticket.
From our first meeting, I told him I would help as much as I could—but only if he put in effort and was honest with me. When he began speaking aggressively, disrespectfully, and dishonestly, calling me late at night and sending long, inappropriate texts, I made it clear I would no longer respond in that way.
Months later, he reached out again, asking for my help to get into a local rehab shelter after his family withdrew support. He said, “You’ve been so good to me before—I knew I should call you. You’re a good friend who will help me once again.”
I agreed. I wanted to see him succeed and was glad he was making an effort. But he left out critical details I needed to know. When I asked for clarification, he became disrespectful and angry.
He yelled insults: “If you are going to be a helper, you should help me with no questions asked. Why are you interrogating me?”
I calmly explained: “No, that’s not how this usually works.”
He wasn’t listening—he was frustrated and in crisis. I didn’t take his words personally, but the outburst reminded me of a fundamental truth about helping:
Asking Questions Is Not Optional
For those of us in case management, social work, therapy, or any role where we accept donated or criteria-specific funding, or make recommendations on someone’s behalf, asking questions is due diligence.
If someone doesn’t want to share information, that’s their choice—but they shouldn’t expect help without it. And being disrespectful, abusive, or unkind won’t get them very far.
Kind-hearted people will eventually move on to help someone who wants the help being offered. Walking away from a client clearly in need is incredibly difficult—but sometimes necessary.
Gratitude for Those Who Persist
To everyone receiving requests for assistance and giving your very best every day: I see you. Thank you for your patience, kindness, diligence, and fairness. You are making a real difference.
And if you ever need to step away from someone who is impossible to work with, know that you have my full support—no matter how hard you tried.
If you have strategies that have worked for you, feel free to share them. Many of us could learn from your experience.
Grateful for all you do,
Esther Miranda
President & Founder
Sweet Oak Collaborative